January 22

Not used to depression...It's been about 2 years since we conceived Gianna and 5 since we conceived Ariana, and things had been going swell for some time now. I talk to the boys about their sisters in heaven, no depression; I see their memory boxes, no depression; all kinds of things remind me of them daily, no depression; until the whole picture thing...depression.

Maybe I haven't bounced out of it because I know the anniversary of Roe v. Wade is tomorrow and there are millions of babies whose Mothers chose this. I don't understand how people could choose this, but then I'm sure people don't understand the pain of losing a child until they've come to terms with the fact that they have indeed lost a child. I don't pretend to think that every choice for abortion is an easy, flippant one, but I know that some are and that's painful...to throw away beautiful life...lives like my Ariana and Gianna's...God turn our hearts to you and be merciful.

So back to the depression...should you feel it too, let us together offer the pain for all of those contemplating abortion, for those women who are forced to have abortions (the deepest of tragedies, much deeper than our own), for those men and women who desperately need healing from abortion...may God have mercy on us all and give us His peace.

No more pictures

As I wondered around the blogisphere to check out the pictures of friends' kids, I started to well up with tears...wow, haven't done that in awhile. There were kids there that are the ages my little Ariana and Gianna should be now, and the kids are all smiling and happy, enjoying life with their families...I have a similar website for pics of the boys, but I can't take and post pics of my precious girls.

I remind myself: my girls are in heaven now... they're beyond any happiness the children in this world could possibly know... they smile upon the faces of Jesus and Mary instead of mine, and I'm sure Jesus and Mary smile back... my girls are in heaven now... heaven... beautiful, wonderful heaven... heaven hold them (and me)

Prayers for you

My dear friends,

I want everyone who reads this blog to know that my prayers are with you. If you have any prayer requests, are experiencing a miscarriage or know someone who is, have ever lost a child, or for any other reason, please reply to this post and ask me to pray for your specific needs. I will gladly do so. I will keep all responses to this post private unless you ask me to publish it to obtain prayers from other readers as well. Please be assured that even if you don't request prayer, my heartfelt and sincere prayers are there. May God give you all peace that surpasses understanding.

In Christ,
Sarah

Out of the blue

Last night, I had one of those times when, out of the blue, the pain from the miscarriage hits you and you just break down. It hasn't happened in a while now, but I'm guessing the approach of Gianna's due date is what spurred the reoccurrence. I guess I was hoping the joy from my current pregnancy would somehow balance out the pain of losing Gianna...not that this new baby could ever replace little Gianna, but just help with the hurt. It seems I had also assumed that I was doing well, but maybe the pain never goes away completely...does it? I know it hasn't with Ariana...sometimes I get out the little box we made with remembrances of her brief life here on Earth, and just feel. Sometimes I feel the joy of the truth and sometimes I feel the pain of loss. And so, I continue to heal, and maybe through God's grace, the break downs will stop one day, but until then, let us pray for one another.

Healing through humor

Humor...immediately following our first miscarriage, I couldn't bring myself to laugh. I couldn't bring myself to do much, but certainly, nothing seemed all that funny. As time passed, however, humor became helpful in healing, and with our second miscarriage, there was nothing like laughing at our son (who is amazingly silly) to help heal the hurt we were feeling. I try to keep my perspective as heavenward as possible (at all times, but speaking especially about after a miscarriage right now). Looking at things in light of salvation often lightens the heavy weight I can feel after a miscarriage and allows for some laughter and humor to enter. For example, one thing I love to reflect on is how when I go to Mass, I am reunited with my girls. When reflecting on this one day recently (since we found out we were pregnant again), I thought, wow, we take 4 kids to Mass every time we go. This is especially amazing because I often take 4 kids to daily Mass all by myself! I like to joke now that I can't see why mothers think it's so difficult to take their children to Mass, taking four isn't bad at all! :-)

Being pregnant after miscarriage

We're pregnant again, praise God. Being pregnant again, after having two miscarriages, brings up a lot of questions...when should we tell people we're pregnant? How are people going to respond? What if I miscarry again? Is there anything I can do to prevent another miscarriage? How can I calm my fears? And that's just the beginning...

This time around, I've had 3 nightmares that I'm having a miscarriage. It's obvious that I'm worried about it, even when I don't realize I'm worried about it. We're currently at 13 weeks and we've had one ultrasound where we saw the baby's precious heartbeat...so we've made it past the point where our babies were miscarried, but the fear has only subsided some.

So, how do we deal with all those questions? I can tell you what my husband and I do, but some of it is so personal for each family, so my "answers" may not be your answers.

We found out we were pregnant when we were about 4 1/2-5 weeks pregnant and we immediately began telling people. We choose to tell people right away for a couple of reasons...the first being that we have a new life, something worthy of great celebration, even if that life is brief. We want everyone to be able to celebrate with us and if we wait until after we miscarry to tell people we are pregnant, most people don't feel like celebrating the life of our little one. The second reason is that we want to give our children every possible advantage at living, and we believe that the prayers of others will help our child live, so we ask for lots of prayer. Some people react with extreme joy when we tell them we're pregnant again, despite knowing that we have had the miscarriages, and others respond nervously, not sure how to react to the news. We truly appreciate all of those people who can respond with great joy, but we also understand why people respond nervously. It's scary and no one likes to hear that you're having a miscarriage. We use those opportunities as a chance to uphold the dignity of the child in our womb, and hopefully help spread the culture of life.

What if we miscarry again? I never thought I would have a 2nd miscarriage. I thought we had figured out what had happened with our first miscarriage and would be able to prevent any more...but you just don't know why you miscarry, and we did have another one...and we survived. I feel like if I had a third, I wouldn't survive, but then I remind myself that God alone knows what I can handle, and He loves us more than we can imagine, enough to offer His own Son as a sacrifice for us. He knows what it's like to have His Son die and He knows how we can and will make it through should we lose another. Of course, it takes reminding myself of this often just to remain at peace. So that's what I do...I pray, I remind myself of God's great love and mercy, and I pray some more. I do what I can to help my baby have a safe womb to live in (especially with the help of the Pope Paul VI Institute), and then I place my children in God's hands, entrusting them also to our Lady for her prayers and protection.

God give us the faith to continue trying for new life and when we do conceive, give us the grace to be free from fear and trust completely in You.

What I heard that I didn't want to hear

There were so many things that I heard when telling people of our miscarriages that I didn't want to hear...things like "you're young, you'll have more," "there must have been something wrong with the baby," "your son must not be ready for a little brother or sister" and perhaps the worst was "it was just tissue." How are we to respond to people who say things that are not sensitive, true, or comforting? I am sure that most people mean well when they respond with comments like these, so I usually (if I'm in an emotional state where I can do this) try to gently and lovingly present them with the truth. I do this for each and every one of you, so that God willing, word will get around and not everyone will have to hear these things; I do it for the person making the comment because they probably do not realize that what they are saying is hurtful, not helpful; I do it for the sake of my baby and all babies, who need the world to realize their humanity; and I do it for God because I want the truth of His creation to be known throughout the world. If I'm not in the emotional state to be able to do this, I simply pray. Pray that the truth will penetrate our culture, and pray that despite what others may say, I will always remember the sanctity of each and every human life.